I've been given the opportunity to get glimpses into apartments all over New York City through my work, and it's been a highly revealing experience. When writing stories, I usually focus so much on characters and their thoughts and appearances that I neglect describing their environs. After seeing such widely variable living spaces, and connecting them to their inhabitants, I now have a whole new range of images to draw upon. There was one apartment which almost seemed to be overflowing with estrogen--there were vases stuffed with fake flowers everywhere the eye could see, as well as tons of velvet pillows and lace curtains and flowery wallpaper and about a million framed photographs of children. I also had the incredible luck to see the apartment of a once prominent artist, whose walls were covered with his looming, powerful paintings. He was blind, and his wife shouted to him, "This is Ms.Bigger, although she's actually QUITE LITTLE. And she's VERY ATTRACTIVE." She then whispered to me, "He likes that." I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it, but it seems that she might be implying that he was a bit of a horndog, in his youth, or maybe even now? Another somewhat amusing encounter was when a Spanish-speaking woman asked about my ethnicity, and I replied for simplicity's sake, "Korean." She gave me a quizzical look and said, "Coreana?" She then shook her head and said, "No Coreana." And she repeated this several times. Heh.

It's been strange to return to New York City. I see more and more what a gentrified nightmare it's become. Several of my old haunts have disappeared, replaced by more of the same. Individual neighborhoods are losing their character as small mom-and-pop businesses are replaced by more corporate outposts. It's become almost disorienting to walk up an avenue, and to see the same stores alternating over and over again. Even though I love Pret a Manger and Cosi and Payless Shoes, and tolerate Starbucks and Barnes & Noble, does there need to be an outpost of theirs every 5 blocks? Then again, I suppose they're able to pay the skyrocketing rent, while the mom-and-pop stores can't.

Since it's been so freaking cold, and with snow and gray gunk and puddles on the ground, I've resorted to taking the bus after work since the closest subway stop is a bit of a trek. And while gazing out the window, I see ubiquitous cherubic Caucasian children with blue eyes and rosey cheeks, pushed in strollers or carried by women of Asian or African descent. It provokes an uncomfortable jolt in my gut, and I'm not even sure of the entire reason why. Likely (well, hopefully) the children's parents are busy and hard-working. After all the time and money I've put into my education, I sure as hell plan on working through my childrearing years. I'm not one of those girls who is investing in an education in order to find an educated guy, marry him, quit the workforce, and raise babies. When (or if) I marry and have children, I won't be able to stay with them during the day, and will need help--either from family or a nanny. So I can't really judge the parents of these children, right? And with all the crap jobs out there, I imagine nannying isn't too bad for someone who needs work. So it's not like these nannies are being exploited or treated unfairly--at least, from my vantagepoint as an outsider sitting on a bus.

But still...when you see that all the children are Caucasian, and all the nannies are not, something just feels a bit wrong. Kind of like when I was in the OR, and all the surgeons would be white, while all the janitors and room-changers would be black. I don't think that the white children, their parents, or those surgeons are to blame, necessarily. But this segregation of economic status and profession seems emblematic of persistent racism, or perhaps race-associated poverty. The divide is just so striking. I wonder about those nannies. Do they have children? Who takes care of them? How much education have they gotten? If they are educated, why are they nannies instead? Why can't they also be doing the kind of work that their employers do, which prevents them from having time to care for their own kids?

I know that my cultural background is likely different, so it's difficult for me to judge the (mostly) Caucasian parents. My Korean grandmother watched my brother and me when we were kids, backed up by numerous Korean aunts. As far as I can tell, the average white couple doesn't have that kind of family support, and has to be self-reliant when it comes to child-rearing--which means a parent has to stay home, or the kids have to be put in daycare, or a nanny has to be hired. Perhaps a nanny is the cheapest option. I don't know. I have no idea if my mother and I will be on speaking terms when I have kids, and I have no idea if I will leave near her. Perhaps I'll consider hiring a nanny too. Unless I end up with a stay-at-home husband. *grin* Then again, it will be (hopefully) at least 5 or 6 years before I have to deal with any of this crap. I have way too much living to do before being saddled down with all this responsibility.