It's so nice to be back home. I'm sure I'll find it stifling as time goes on, but for now, it's been just lovely. The rustle of the brightly colored leaves, the brisk wind and restrained sunlight, the familiar buildings which contain the ghosts of many childhood memories...God but I miss New Jersey autumns.

Today I was studying for the Step 1 exam at a local library (well, actually finishing up a book which Republican Artist Dave gave to me when I told him I was looking for spiritual answers...it's The Search for the Ageless, Volume One by Edmond Bordeauz Szekely and it's about the Essene Way of Biogenic Living), when four middle-aged men walked before me in single file. There seemed to be something a bit off about several of them...I scrutinized their faces and saw that one apparently had Down's syndrome, and the two others also appeared to be retarded by the way they jerked and made spontaneous incomprehensible sounds, and in general acted more like children than like men in their 30's/40's. The fourth man, sporting impressive dreadlocks and wearing a green football jersey, appeared to be in charge of the group, and said some words about the library and what they planned to do for the day. They settled at the table adjacent to mine, and I tried to concentrate on my biochemistry textbook instead of staring at them. Green football jersey guy took one of the other guys to a computer and appeared to be helping him use it to view pictures. The remaining two men occasionally yelped and slammed their hands repeatedly on the table. Several people at nearby tables moved their things or glared at them disapprovingly; I just put on my headphones and stuck my nose deeper into my book. I couldn't shake the feeling, though, that one of the two men at the table was looking at me. I looked up from my book in an unfocused way, but with my peripheral vision I confirmed that indeed the guy in the baseball cap, with grizzled stubble and a long bony nose, was staring at me. I couldn't move to a different table because I didn't want to be rude or hurtful, so I just soldiered on with my biochemistry text. Eventually, though, half an hour had passed with little progress on my part, and I decided to just leave the library and go to a local Starbucks (I haven't yet discovered the non-Starbucks cafes in the area, if they exist). I put all my books into my knapsack, still feeling the eyes of the baseball cap guy, but not confronting his gaze. I pulled the zipper shut--not completely, but enough to securely contain my books. The baseball cap guy then got up from his seat, lumbered over to my knapsack, and then pulled the zipper completely shut. I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew he should not be punished in any way for his kind intentions (although I did feel like my personal space was slightly invaded). I lifted my head and looked him straight in the eye with a smile and said thanks, and then threw my knapsack onto my shoulder and walked away. I nodded at him again with a smile as I left the library.

There was a slight fear there, I guess because I haven't interacted with people like him before. I didn't know what exactly his intentions were, but I definitely did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings. I was a bit saddened by the exchange though--I'm sure he wishes he could reach out and connect with people, and just be treated like any other guy. I tried to treat him like any other guy, but I'm not sure I succeeded. Hopefully though I didn't hurt his feelings. Then again maybe I was too cautious. Le sigh.